Long and Short-Term Goals at 1 Year of Marriage
*Suggestion: If possible, these topics should be discussed PRIOR to nuptials. Ideally, a partner that has a similarly tracked mind can prioritize lifestyle conversations, understanding that both seen and unseen realities that are both physical and spiritual topics can make or break a marriage. In the best case scenario, certain discussions should happen naturally, without extreme force, convincing, manipulation, cohesion, control or excessive chasing.
I’m a female, African-American, military wife, future registered architect, entrepreneur, future mother, 5k runner, experience seeker, quick meal cook, introverted-extrovert, bible reader who enjoys dancing and yoga married to a male, African-American, military member, registered architect, future entrepreneur, future father, physical-training leader, similarity enjoyer, recipe follower, introvert and church goer who enjoys playing the piano. Here’s to long and short-term goal setting at one year of marriage as the Snow-Hills!
Why these matter, and the above aren’t just typical adult descriptions: ✓ Female: The women’s right’s movement of the 60s and gender role biases both have lasting effects on the workforce. Working with men in STEM fields and having to advocate for myself and prove that I can be a vertical worker rather than the assumed support position is a constant process.
✓ African American: The civil right’s movement of the 50s, minority biases, being the darkest person in many rooms, and having to explain melanin, hair, and cultural norms while working and processing injustice in the world is a juggle. The realities of life that many black families struggle with that contrast with majority or immigrant family lifestyles could include: broken homes, single-parenting, unplanned pregnancy, absent male figures, substance abuse, lacking property ownership, fewer degrees, different cultural values, environmental/biological physical health concerns, incarceration, unemployment, poor credit, etc.
✓ Military wife: Traveling with my husband to his various tour duty assignments, not knowing exactly where I will live, where my future children will go to school every two-four years or how I will sustain a career whatever/wherever my job in the realm of architecture will be- are all realities. Supporting the national cause, doing uniform and workout gear laundry, spending a lot of money on food and being around a big eater is also a part of my life on a regular basis.
◦ Registered architect: I spent over 5 years both before and after college graduation with a masters degree in architecture working at various firms and agencies. I want to continue my career since this subject matter has struck my interest from a young age. Since experience hours are already accumulated, the next step is sitting for the tests that grant legal competency within our nation, and include state specific criteria.
✓ Entrepreneur: I wrote a book that is available on Amazon about the hypothetical construct of race as I realized more in my mid-twenties how it plays an important role in our lives. I did this so that I could prepare my future descendants and have a more educated dialogue about the topic with others in the present day.
◦ Mother: TBD... family is important to me
✓ 5k runner: Consistency is key even though this isn’t a far distance. Making the effort to get to the gym and pushing through the third mile on a regular basis (under 30 minutes) takes chutzpah.
✓ Experience seeker: Researching and making an effort to try new things in various locations for an affordable price... with reasonable risk... while desiring to learn something new, takes time.
✓ Quick meal cook: Putting healthy foods together makes sense because it’s sometimes best to work with what is in the refrigerator, so gathering various ingredients that are already at home is an option to make a well-rounded meal that isn’t overpriced. This takes grocery shopping, general preparation and flavor know-how.
✓ Introverted-extrovert: Even when I have no friends in a new environment, finding like-minded or at least similarly interested groups takes time. I like talking to people, especially if we can share ideas, and gain appreciation or wisdom from one another, but to do this, I have to find people to talk to.
✓ Bible reader: This daily practice grounds me, but obviously, we all make mistakes, so this habit makes me reconsider some of my thoughts and choices on a daily basis. This also means that at each new location, I have to find a church-home that presents thought provoking and applicable messages that actually encourage me to be a better person.
✓ Dancer and yogi: I started dancing before I was in kindergarten and practiced a variety of genres. Since spending hours on training for competition on the dance team in high-school, I continue to dance and practice flexibility (body and mindfulness) as an adult. This brings me happiness and joy.
✓ Heterosexual marriage: These are more common than homosexual marriages, but obviously, while married to someone with many physiological and psychological differences, there are inevitable disagreements. “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.”
✓ African-American husband: Black men have higher statistics of being imprisoned and murdered. Also, some in this group are homosexual or marry purposefully (or coincidentally) outside of their “race.” Also, black men have their fair share of struggles to overcome in response to the social construct or political climate of the area, so being a supporter of black men isn’t always an easy task. Furthermore, some black men start families without getting married, so a portion of my husband’s classmates or family members who are also black have no strong desire to get married and have a covenant relationship. Many black women are also single (not married) in comparison to other nationalities of women.
✓ Architect’s wife: My husband is usually analyzing things, reading about a trend related to the built environment, pushing to get into real-estate or house flipping, talking about mechanical equipment or building preservation. He spent a good majority of our dating relationship, as well as the first three months of marriage, studying. Registration also costs $250 annually. This is a big part of our lives, especially since we met in architecture school.
◦ Father’s wife: TBD... family is important to him
◦ Entrepreneur’s wife: The goal is for my husband to use his real-estate and investing research with my conversations among real-estate agents and affinity for do-it-yourself residential knowledge, combined with both of our backgrounds in the built environment, and joint desire for property ownership, to purchase and rent homes nationwide.
✓ PT trainers wife: Sometimes my husband encourages “manly workouts” to be done in our household. These are encouraging but I don’t want to get buff! I only want to be active and ladylike, so our joint workouts aren’t always the same, even if we do physical activity at the same time in the same place, weekly.
✓ Similarity enjoyer’s wife: I get bored of only doing dinner and movies, though these make up a nice standard date. Calories are my enemy, so I have to encourage activities that don’t involve food or sitting even though those are two of my husband’s favorite things.
✓ Recipe follower’s wife: Cooking while following a recipe takes time, and sometimes I want to do other things besides prepare a meal with perfect portions and measured ingredients. Therefore, if my husband is cooking, I have to wait for this process to finish. Eventually his meals turns out tasty and they encourage me to find recipes to try, too (when I feel like putting in the effort.)
✓ Introvert’s wife: Small talk with other male strangers or new couples is not the most enjoyable thing for my husband, but since I think that community is important, getting into new social situations takes a great deal of intention for us as a unit.
✓ Church goer’s wife: My husband (like me) grew up in church. While I enjoy the lessons the most, he enjoys being in the house of the Lord the most since it reminds him of childhood and the family that he was raised with. Since attendance is paramount to him, being relatively on time each week is a big deal for us, rather than visiting different churches that start at different times, or reading the Word ourselves in certain situations. This also means that research has to be done in each new location to find the correct church-home for us.
✓ Piano player’s wife: This sometimes beautiful but sometimes loud hobby makes my husband happy, so when he feels like playing his instrument, I have to prepare to hear whatever he is in the mood to play. He’s actually very talented since learning to play in church, and can play by ear. This also means that we go to watch live music, which is fun.
✓ Both partners raised by female-led households or communities: The gender role situation and the head-of-the-household guide in Christian homes took a good deal of effort for us to get used to since we are both used to women calling-the-shots in social and financial situations. This was a learning curve because we had both seen some married couples growing up, but neither of our parents were married long-term. Also, in some of the marriages that we were exposed to, the women still had dominate leadership (rather than equal, 2-person partnership) positions. Men seem to feel best when needed, have valuable opinions that can be expressed, and in leadership positions, so practicing this structure took time (especially since women appreciate and excel in these categories, too.) It took my husband stepping up without being controlling or non-communicative and my being trusting, vocal, and involved. The goal is to create a team where both mates utilize their positives, and their individual weaknesses are minimized by their joint strengths. These action items took a lot of effort and though I was aware of the struggles in “wearing multiple hats,” I really didn’t think that I would necessarily be most of the things described, but they were hopes, dreams, and desires. I hadn’t thought this list up until I was 27 and a newly-wed, and though I had faith and knew that I could “do all things through Christ who strengthens me” there was no guarantee to when the things or strength would come. So even though it’s in bullet point form, a lot of effort, compromise and emotion were involved that only God’s grace could have gotten me and US through! Now, I’m praying for a decade-reoccurring 2028 Vow Renewal with our combined community with us to celebrate since uniting families is better done with the communities present. What a journey there is to be. “Happy is the land whose king is a noble leader and whose leaders feast at the proper time to gain strength for their work, not to get drunk.” Ecclesiastes 10:17 NLT “A party gives laughter, wine gives happiness, and money gives everything!” Ecclesiastes 10:19 NLT
