Long Distance Relationships
Relationships that span distance and time are rare. These relationships require intentional attention, communication, and thoughtfulness (more work), but these actions are worth the trouble after finding others who are truly equally yoked. Equally yoked people share similar hearts, minds, and spirits, meaning that they are created to be in each other's lives. When I speak of relationships, I do not only mean romantic courtships. Never! By relationships, I mean the top 6, in the following order of biblical honor: 1. GOD 2. SELF
3. SPOUSE AFTER MARRIAGE 4. FAMILY 5. FRIENDS 6. LOVE INTEREST/PROSPECTIVE SPOUSE/FIANCE
7. COMMUNITY GOD: For other relationships to succeed, our relationship with God must be number one because the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us was the ultimate gift and act of love. This type of love helps us put all other relationships into perspective and allows an evaluation of who should be allowed into our inner circle, and who should not. Jesus is our BEST FRIEND, and from that sacrificial relationship, we can prioritize all others. The relationship that we have with our Creator has spanned through generations and across nations (and will continue to encompass all time and all people for the rest of humanity.) That is power! When we realize that we are tiny in comparison to The Almighty, but are graced to be given a second chance despite our transgressions- we then can accept life's highs and lows, and also our true worth. It's up to us to stay tapped in to God's power and ask Him for guidance (because He is the only one who knows how our stories unfold and how we should navigate life.) After establishing our heavenly relationship- all other connections form in a healthier way. SELF: After we establish a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior, we can then start seeing ourselves as God sees us: worshipers, needing heavenly instruction, strong, weak, capable, inadequate, smart, simple, diverse, and plain. If we understand the importance of our complex existence, we will come to truly value ourselves! We can embrace our individual characteristics while striving to be like Christ. We can act out of intention (not loneliness, desperation, fear, neediness, or complacency) after we discover that we all have unique purposes here on this planet. Self-compassion, self-discipline, self-care, self-awareness, and self-acceptance are important qualities to learn! Taking care of our personal vessels inspires more nourished relationships with others. FAMILY: Blood binds us. We see the power of lineage in the Bible (the Old Testament is filled with genealogical references) and in scientific studies concerning "Nature vs. Nurture." Because of the importance of relatives, it's a good idea to spend time with our "kin folk" because family members literally help us understand ourselves- they are part of who we are. FRIENDS: Friends are the family that we CHOOSE. How wonderful it is that God places people in our lives that don't have to be there, but choose to go on this journey with us? When deciding friendships, it's important to think about the motives behind the relationships, and to be in situations where both parties are givers and takers. This reciprocity should be natural. Everyone isn't meant to be friends with everyone, but when true friendships are found, forgiveness, love, support, and accountability are all quality characteristics. LOVE INTEREST/(PROSPECTIVE) SPOUSE: Here's where things get interesting. While we have one God, and one self... we may have many family members, many friends, and many love interests... but possibly, only one spouse. This realization shows the impact that a significant other has. The only other entities that we may spend as much alone time with as our (prospective) spouse is God and ourselves- That's a lot of intimacy! Therefore, during dating, it's important to be grounded in FAITH and SELF (and hopefully in supportive family units and friendship circles) because breakups may happen and dating is not necessarily an easy process. Selection, self- understanding and compromise take a lot of work in the dating and courting phases (and even more work after marriage covenants occur) so there is A DATING LOGIC to keep in mind. Because monogamous relationships and love are a CHOICE (they did not create us, we were not born into them, we can't have multiple partners like we have multiple friends, and relationships take constant evolution), romantic relationships are not necessarily the most natural or easy unions to maintain. To make dating a little bit easier for me, here are the topics of conversation and activities that my love and I implemented (and I'm sharing them with YOU!) See below how my love and I have developed and kept our "long distance courtship" strong, heartfelt, and empowering.
Q. Discuss desired qualities.
U. Know the ultimate potential of the relationship. Remember some people do not always approach dating with any long- term possibilities in mind. Some may only be looking for companionship to combat boredom- so please, save yourself some time, and focus on dating with a purpose.
A. Allow for the relationship to unfold, blossom, and mature in due time! Relationships are a daily trust building and understanding process. There is no way to microwave true love.
F. Be friends with someone before dating. Many times, relationships sprout before individuals even know each other! After labels are given- sometimes couples can become so engulfed with dates, taking photos, intimacy, combining lives and moving onto the next steps before they even understand each other on a basic level. Get to know your (prospective) spouse platonic-ally before an official relationship is formed.
F. Discuss past failures.
S. Discuss past successes.
H. Discuss everything open and honestly. After real and important discussions take place, decision making becomes simpler. If you enjoy a person's company WITHOUT SEXUAL INTIMACY OR MONEY... you are on you way to finding a keeper. Try abstinence and free dates with a new love-interest to stop dead-end dating and ultimately determine compatibility. This way, if a date is not a match- separations are more mutual and mentally sound.
A. Discuss dreams, goals and aspirations.
D. Discuss deal breakers.
B. Set boundaries.
E. Discuss enjoyment. Utilize workout goals, tests, sports, hobbies, or whatever your common "thing" is, and keep a friendly back-and-forth tab on each-other (make it a game or even a competition) when in different locations. Experience the same things while far apart, and it will bring you closer together. Watch a move, game, play, or TV show simultaneously in your respective areas, and then discuss your thoughts! These are great methods to make sure that conversation is at the forefront of enjoyment.
T. Discuss triggers.
S. Understand that two people do not have to be the same to love each other- preferences can be different between two lovers!
(The above concepts spell out "q-u-a-f-f-s h-a-d b-e-t-s" by the way... in case anyone enjoys wordplay for memorization purposes.) In our case, we made a contract. Yes, we (my boyfriend and I) made a dating contract. If this is easier to comprehend, it's essentially the document that will possibly morph into our marriage vows that just happens to have been created in the beginning of our courting process. This outline delves into themes of our friendship history and relationship milestones, as well as the precautions we'll take to handle disagreements before they start and our decided general wise dating strategies. We practice abstinence, conversations (via all media), speaking about God, analyzing our life's purpose, jointly reading books to discuss them, and selfless-ness when required. We avoid tempting situations involving the opposite sex, cut off detrimental/non-supportive relationships, and hold each other accountable to the goals we've created independently and as a team. Though we are still apart because of our careers and families, I've never experienced a more fulfilling relationship. I pray that everyone looking for love, finds love, too!
(Valentines Day 2017)